TMI Question of the Week - What are your personal rules for being with women?

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What are your personal rules for being with women?

This one's probably going to stir up a hornet's nest but these are my personal rules that I live by. A lot of it is just basic stuff that has been said many times in many different ways:

1. Be Derek Jeter - For those of you in countries that don't follow Major League Baseball i.e. virtually every country other than the United States and the Dominican Republic, Derek Jeter is a future Baseball Hall of Fame shortshop for the New York Yankees (think an unmarried David Beckham for those who follow futbol). He's famous for being a champion but he's also really famous for being good looking and bedding some of the best looking women on the planet. Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Minka Kelly, Jessica Beil, and the occasional rich woman, groupie or Jersey Girl. Now, there are many famous men who get the best looking women. What puts Jeter far above every other one, including George Clooney, is that there has not been one woman who he's had sex with who has spoken badly about the guy. Not one. Even if the break up was bad, like it was with Minka Kelly, not a single woman has said anything nasty about the guy and he never says anything bad about his exgirlfriends / bed buddies. He also has a reputation for being a gentleman. I try to keep this in mind and emulate him in this way.

2. Love women - I don't just like women for sexual purposes. I like being in their company. Most of my friends are women. I love how they look, how they smell, and what they wear. I can't get enough of women.

3. Listen - This one's basic but so worth reminding men of. Don't pretend to hear what a woman says or, worse, commit the cardinal sin and not hear them at all. Actually listen to what they say. You may pick up hints later as to what turns them on or what their favorite clothing is. Hell, you may even, God forbid, learn something new about life.

4. Be a gentleman but don't be a nice guy - It took me YEARS to learn this one(actually, it was more like decades). When I was younger, I bought into that whole "women like nice guys" bullshit. I don't any more. This doesn't mean that you should be an asshole to women, though. Hold doors for them, be interested in what they have to say (even if you just want to have a one night stand with them), and treat them like princesses and queens. Just don't be their door mat.

5. Don't be THAT GUY - You know the one: the friend. That's the guy friend who gets the call at 3 in the morning; not for sex but so that she can bitch to you about the guy who hurt her but she'll probably go back to him because he's the bad boy who fucks her like a wilderbeast and makes her cum 10 times a night. Trust me, you're not getting any from her if you are THAT GUY and if, by some miracle of alcohol, she lets down her guard and sleeps with you, then congratulations: you've just become a jump off and you're not getting it again, your feelings will be hurt, and your friendship / needy relationship will be over anyway. Therefore, don't be THAT GUY. Let her get some gay guy friends for that.

6. Work out - Despite what women say about personality, sense of humor, and all that stuff about it's what's on the inside that counts when it comes to a guy (we'll leave the money / taken care of for life part out of this for now), that only matters to them when they're looking for a guy they want to marry. Otherwise, women are just as superficial and shallow as us men when it comes to what really attracts us to one another. Therefore, man up and work out. Get into the best shape of your life. Women love a guy who's in shape. Trust me, you'll have better, longer lasting sex if you're in shape.

7. Every girl's crazy bout a sharp dressed man - ZZ Top got that song title right (great song, too). Buy a couple really nice suits even if you normally don't wear them. Buy a few nice pair of pants, shirts, and shoes. Get some good cologne (I wear Calvin Klein's Obsession). If you don't have a lot of money, try to save up some money and get one killer outfit; your go to outfit that makes you feel confident or to put it more bluntly: fake it til you make it.
Also, take a bath and groom your areas properly. This is all about the woman, remember? Don't make her deal with your hairiness or your bad body odor (that goes for your ass, too). Here's a quick tip. Handiwipes are perfect for cleaning emergencies of all types (read between the lines on that one).

8. Dogs need to learn new tricks - We men are dogs (in every sense of the word). Still, it doesn't mean that us dogs can't learn. When you're in a woman's company, learn her likes and dislikes. When you're having sex with her, learn her likes and dislikes.You've probably heard the saying "give a man a fish and he'll fish for a day but teach a man to fish and he'll fish for a lifetime". Well men, the same applies to sex. Cum for only your pleasure and you'll have sex one time. Cum for her pleasure and you'll have sex for a lifetime. That means don't be in it for yourself. Maybe one position didn't work. Pay attention to her movements and try a few others that will put her over the edge. Like I've said before, a woman will tell her friends about how good or bad you are in bed. Make sure she says how you made her head spin, not how she laid there and waited for you to nut and fall asleep so that she could dream about some other guy who made her head spin. Remember, it should always be about satisfying her in bed; it should hardly ever be about you. To that end.....

9. Follow the Boy Scout motto and be prepared - When I know I'm going to be with a freak, I'm prepared for anything. I usually have a glass dildo, a vibrator (Pocket Rocket is small and discreet), handcuffs, scarves, a couple of masks maybe, a tube of jelly for when you're going back door (don't make me spell it out for you), condoms of course (I always wear them, even though I don't put them in my Sexy Sunday stories), and anything else the night requires. You never know what the mood will call for so always be prepared.

10. A little less control goes a long way - Let the lady take control of the situation sometimes. Let her live out her fantasies; no matter how freaky they may be. Let her tie you up and have her way with you. Let her whip and spank her. Hell, let her peg you if that's what she's into. Be openminded and the sex will be better for the both of you. Let her play the cards and if you play YOUR cards right, who knows? Maybe you'll even get a menage out of the deal.

11. Reading is Fundamental - Learn something. Read a book. Pick up a newspaper. Hell, look at a news web page. Know something about the world, not just the latest sports scores. It will help you engage in conversation better. Watch the politics and religion conversations, though. The old saying about never talking about religion and politics remains true. Don't go down that slope unless you already know how she feels about it. Even then, listen more and talk less.

12. Enjoy the pineapple and hate the garlic - There have been studies out there (yes, people actually have studied this) that say that drinking pineappple juice or eating pineapple will make your cum taste better. Conversely, those studies also say that garlic will make your cum taste horrible; along with warding off vampires, of course (can't have everything in life). It all has something to do with the acid in the food. Fellas, if you want a woman to swallow you instead of spitting, eat pineapple and don't order anything with garlic in it during dinner.

13. Don't be a race car driver - This one also took me a long time to learn. Slow yourself down, champ. Women don't want a quickie unless there's very little time. I personally like all night action; not some wham bam thank you ma'am type of sex. Women like the build up to sex and the orgasm. Don't be a race car driver trying to get from point A to point B in 20 seconds or less. Take your time and explore with her and slow your roll. She'll thank you for it.
There's an old joke about 2 bulls on top of a hill looking down on a pasture filled with cows. The younger bull says "hey, let's go down and fuck one of the cows". The older bull looks at the eager younger bull and says "you can do that if you want but I'm going to WALK down and fuck ALL of the cows". That pretty much says it all.

Those are my rules for being with women. Some might think that they're borderline sexist but they're my rules and I'm sticking to them. If there are any that I should know about, let me know in the comments or email me.